Riverview Ranch & Resort
Dad Jokes
A Handy Reference – For Dads Who Want To Step Up At Campfire
Dad Jokes Make Everyone Laugh. Nobody knows Y. They Just Doo.
There are a lot of Dad Jokes on the internet. However, not everyone can deliver Dad Jokes properly. It comes naturally to some, but joke challenged dads may need to practice. I have dedicated this entire page to dad jokes so dads who plan to visit Riverview Ranch and Resort will have ample opportunity to practice their timing and delivery.
Dad Jokes Strengthen Family Bonds!
If a dad doesn't tell dad jokes at campfire, when will he ever tell them? Can a family thrive without dad jokes? At Riverview Ranch Dads are expected to set the example for their kids at campfire. If everyone is shy and quiet, dad must step up. They are called Dad Jokes, not Mom Jokes. Legal disclaimer: Moms can tell jokes two. We have assembled a comprehensive list of dad jokes for you to read at campfire right from your dad phone.
- I’m going to start it off with a joke about jump ropes….
Actually, I’ll skip that one. - You know, I’m not superstitious
But I am a little-stitious…. (say something like) … “so I change my underwear bi-weekly during football season.” - Today at the bank an old lady asked me if I could check her balance.
I pushed her over. - Why did the old man fall down the well?
He couldn’t see that well. - Princesses always wave with their left hand (dad waves his left hand). Why don’t princesses wave with this hand (dad waves with his right hand).
Because this is MY hand!!!! - A pony goes to the doctor complaining of a sore throat. The doctor says not to worry, “you’re just a little hoarse.”
- What did the horse say after it tripped? – Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
- Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
or–
Why is the P silent in the word “Pteradactyl?”
He aims at the edge of the toilet. – (pause).
That also reduces the splashback.
- What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
- What do you call an angry carrot?
A steamed veggie.
- Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snowbank.
- How do you make an egg-roll?
You push it!
- What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
- What do you call a pile of cats?
A meow-ntain.
- Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
- Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was two tired.
- What did the triangle say to the circle?
You’re pointless.
- Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
- I ordered a chicken and an egg online.
I’ll let you know what comes first.
- Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She kept running away from the ball!
- What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits.
- What do elves learn in school?
The elf-abet.
- Where was King David’s temple located?
Beside his ear.
- What did one toilet say to another?
You look flushed.
- What lights up a soccer stadium?
A soccer match.
- What does corn say when it gets a compliment?
Aw, shucks!
- What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
- What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
- What do sprinters eat before they race?
Nothing. They fast.
- What has more lives than a cat?
A frog, because it croaks every day.
- Why was the fish’s grades bad?
They were below sea level.
- What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
1forrest1.
- What do you call a fish without an eye?
Fsh.
- Why shouldn’t you use a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless.
- What do you call a pig that practices karate?
A pork chop.
- What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
- What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?
Ketchup.
- Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen?
Because it’s pointless.
- Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle?
Because he’s always lion.
- What did one wall say to the other?
I’ll meet you at the corner.
- What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships. - What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blue berry!
- Why are pirates called pirates?
They just ARRRR!
- How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
- Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
- What do cows read the most?
Cattle-logs.
- I lost an electron.
You really have to keep an ion them!
- What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunder pants!
- How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles.
- What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt.
- How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
- What did the drummer name her twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2.
- What did the lettuce say to the celery?
Quit stalking me!
- What’s small and red and has a rough voice?
A hoarse raddish!
- Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?
Because they are such fungis.
- Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
Too many ears.
- Why couldn’t the bad sailor learn the alphabet?
Because he always got lost at “C.”
- What kind of cheese isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.
- What does a spy do when he is cold?
He goes undercover.
- How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
- When do computers overheat?
When they need to vent.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
- If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get?
Mistle-toes.
- What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
- What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso.
- How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.
- What did the cucumber say to the pickle?
You mean a great dill to me.
- Do you know what Bruce Lee’s favorite drink was?
WaaTaaah (take fighting stance, swing arms & karate chop)
- I asked my neighbor if I could borrow a ladder.
He said he had a step ladder. . . He said he never knew his real ladder.
- Patient walks into his/her therapists office,,
“Am I a Teepee or a Wigwam?
“Am I a Teepee or a Wigwam?
“Am I a Teepee or a Wigwam?“
Therapist says “ You’re too tense.”
- I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know Y
- Why didn’t the melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe.
- Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!
- What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum?
He has a meltdown.
- What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
Stairs.
- Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crumby.
- What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!
- What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
Swimming trunks.
- What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he was fired?
Oh snap.
- Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
- Why did the belt go to jail?
Because it held up a pair of pants.
- Where does the general put his armies?
In his sleevies.
- What do you call a magician that looses his magic?
Ian.
- Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
- What do you call a factory that makes ok products?
A SatisFactory
- What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her?
Namaste.
- How do rabbits travel?
By hareplanes.
- What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore.
- Why did the kid stock up on yeast?
He wanted to make some dough.
- What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarterback.
- Why are elephants wrinkly?
Because you can’t iron them.
- What did the cake say to the fork?
You want a piece of me?
- How did the two cats end their fight?
They hissed and made up.
- Why did the strawberry cry?
He found himself in a jam.
- What’s black and white and read all over?
A newspaper!
- How did the barber win the race?
He knew a shortcut!
- What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry?
58!
- What did the nut say to the other nut in a game of tag?
Imma cashew!
- Why did an old man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!
- Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands.
- Why don’t astronomers like Orion’s Belt?
It’s a big waist of space.
- What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi.
- Why are peppers the best at archery?
Because they habanero!
- How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?
It is either one or the udder!
- What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner is on me!
- Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don’t know the words!
- Why do cows have hooves and not feet?
They lactose.
- What do you call a chicken that is staring at a lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
- What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
- Which bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh!
- Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.
- What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saw-us.
- How do you make a water bed bouncier?
Add spring water.
- What job did the frog have at the hotel?
Bellhop.
- What kind of car does an egg drive?
A yolkswagen.
- What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
Reality!
- Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
He was a little shellfish!
- Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?
He takes things personally!
- When does a duck wake up?
At the quack of dawn!
- What does a baby computer call his father?
Data!
- What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk!
- Why was the bee’s hair always sticky?
He used a honeycomb.
- What do you call phoney spaghetti?
An im-pasta.
- How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring. - The waiter asked me if I wanted a box for my leftovers.
I told him I don’t like fighting. - A friend asked me where my sister vacationed last summer. I said Alaska.
He said don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself. - What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato. - What has five toes but isn’t your foot?
My foot. - What do you call an old snowman?
A glass of water. - Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, cause you catch a cold. - Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peekaboo accident?
The ICU. - If you have three wagon wheels on one hand and two saddles in the other hand, what do you have?
Big hands.
- How many beans should you put in a pot of chili?
239 – One more would would make it too farty.-
- Who is the snowman’s favorite relative?
Aunt Arctica - How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it’s on the house. - What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
—–
- When is the game not a game?
When the game is afoot. If they don’t get it say “my dear Watson.”
Sherlok Holmes
——
Scary Dad Jokes:
- What’s the last part of your body to die?
Your pupils. They dilate.
- RIP, boiling water.
You will be mist.